“Meatless” Meat: My Epiphany

Being a recent convert (re-convert, post-pre convert) to a mostly meatless life, I’ve been focused heavily on coming up with  veggie-centric meals this time. Past experience has shown that relying on quorn, boca, morningstar,tofu, or TSP for my entrees tends to go badly. So far I’ve done a mac and cheese, some chili, some spicy udon, a delightful curry, and I’ve got a pretty awesome gratin in the works for tonight, so stay tuned. *winky face*

All of that being said, there will be times when I will have go to places that have very limited veggie options. Case in point.. today.

The Confluent Boyfriend decided today that he’d like to go to Umami Burger. Being culinarily adventurous, I was like, ‘OK GAME ON!”. and I took my shiny new vegetarian ideals there and grabbed the ‘Earth Burger’.

The 'Earth Burger' - a mushroom and edamame burger from Umami Burger, (Image courtesy of http://blog.cookingchanneltv.com)

The ‘Earth Burger’ – a mushroom edamame burger from Umami Burger, (Image courtesy of http://blog.cookingchanneltv.com)


Some ridiculously excellent truffled french fries and a mealy, bland veggie burger later.. something occurred to me that could have saved me countless dollars and several crappy meals over the years…

and wait for it…

I don’t like meat substitutes. Being a veg for health reasons, rather than ideological reasons, I still want a burger. The unmistakable smoky grilled  flavor, the texture.. the smell.. only, I know it’s bad for me. I periodically try another of these meatless options, hoping that it will compare and it never does.

I find them offensive as whole. They are simply food masquerading as other food. They are inferior in every way. Poor texture, strange smells, meh taste. There is nothing that isn’t meat, that will look, feel, or taste like meat.

It’s time to let the dream die.

Shit. I feel like I need a support group now or something.


About The Confluent Kitchen

I am food obsessed. I love trying new recipes, putzing in the kitchen, making my own cheese and other random kitchen tom-foolery. Follow my exploits.. the good, the bad, and the burnt.
This entry was posted in Comfort Food, Cooking, Food, Kitchen Fail, Other People's Recipes, Rambling, Restaurant Reviews and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to “Meatless” Meat: My Epiphany

  1. Bee says:

    Thanks for visiting my blog! As an ex-veg I’ve been really curious about the veg burger at umami burger. I rarely crave meat but when it does happen, for some reason it’s always a REAL burger..

    • It’s a heavy mushroom flavor, which isn’t bad..but the texture is the killer. The part not held in by the bun fell off my burger in crumbles. It fell apart in your mouth. *cringe*

      It had TSP in it, and most likely some rolled oats because I’m allergic to them and I got a light case of hives. :/ Overall, not a great experience.

  2. Go have a tofu smoothie and two zuchini and you’ll feel better in the morning.

  3. Lol, from home cured bacon to tofu smoothies! (Whoops!) I missed the update but I’m sure that the giant mushroom umami burger is equally delish, it looks it anyhow!

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